She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

The kids are very excited about all of us blogging. Which I think is great since it will encourage them to journal and beef up their communication skills. However, I have been given strict rules by “She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named” that I’m not allowed to blog/talk about her. I can respect that. I’m proud of her for recognizing that it bothers her when I talk about her to other people, and then voicing her objection to this. So, I will leave it at that and not mention her again on my blog (ok, seriously, I will try my best).

Instead, I would like to share an article I recently read, “Parenting Shy Children”, by Dr. Renee Gilbert. She has a website, Shake Your Shyness, that I’ve enjoyed reading. What I like most about this article is Dr. Gilbert gives you specific tools to help guide your shy child.  She recognizes that you, the parent, are most likely a shy person as well.  I’ve always found it funny when an article is telling a shy parent how to do all of these non-shy things to help their child not to be shy.  Dear Tail, one day I will catch you!!  Hello, really smart person who did research about shyness, you missed a part….the shy parent. (To be fair, there are a lot of articles out there that address the shy parent.)  If you tell me to be an example for my child by modeling situations like me jumping into a group conversation or giving a talk to a crowd, well, it’s not going to have the results that will benefit my child.  It will be quite the opposite. “Hi Group, I am socially awkward and would like to join your conversation. No, I’m really speaking English. I’m sorry you can’t translate my word jumble.” As my child watches me be awkward, she will be mortified and do everything to avoid this happening to her. I can’t even imagine her watching me speak to a crowd. No, that big thump wasn’t your mother passing out and hitting the floor. I’m sure she’ll be eager to jump up and take over the speech for me. Seriously, I’m not that bad, but there are social situations that are difficult for me and as much as I would like to come across as the smooth operator for my child, it’s just not going to happen. And, this is why I like Dr. Gilbert’s article.

Dr. Gilbert outlines obtainable goals to achieve with your child. She’s not telling you to take that giant leap out of your own comfort zone. She is giving you and your child baby steps. It’s as simple as practice smiling at eachother and making eye contact when you greet eachother, or simply opening doors for strangers. Yes, I’m shy, but I can do these things. It all goes back to Applied Behavior Analytics, ABA. One day, I’ll blog about all of our experience with ABA, but for now, I’ll just state “ABA Rocks!”  It’s all about modeling for your kids, but it doesn’t have to be grandiose. We are talking about keeping it simple and breaking it down to the basics….eye contact, smiles, manners, simple greetings and gestures. These all elicit positive feedback from others, and this is what will make your child comfortable in social situations. Who doesn’t seek positive reinforcements?!?! We crave it!

The other topics Dr. Gilbert covers are problem-solving and coping with emotions. Can you imagine how hard it is for a shy person to do something out of their comfort zone? Well, now imagine failing at that something. Holy Moley!!! I’m going back to my hidey hole (awww, to be a guinea pig).  With both of my kids, this statement from Dr. Gilbert is something we try very hard to emphasize:

”If at first we don't succeed, try try again. The ability to see our problems as challenges and failures as feedback---as information about what we need to do next---strengthens our confidence by reminding us that just because we didn't succeed at first, doesn't mean we won't succeed in the end. “

All we ever ask is that they try their best. I wish it were that easy to just state it and have it sink in. No, we have to actually model this. Crap on toast, this parenting stuff takes a lot of work!

I’m going to end my summary of this article, because I’d really rather you take the time to read it yourself than spend time reading my summary of it.  I can’t do it justice….there’s just way too much great stuff in her article!!

Happy Reading! Wheek! Wheek!

Information obtained from website http://www.shakeyourshyness.com/parentingshychildren.htm by Dr. Renee Gilbert.